In my search to find something to write about, I shuffled through animals, quite a few of which were birds, and diseases, some pretty gross, and found nothing that piqued my interest. I have been struggling over the last week. My mood went from elation at earning the scores I wanted on the GRE to devastation at the loss of a dear friend. Since I found out, I have been keeping as busy as possible. I hung out with as many people as possible for as long as possible. On the day of her funeral, I got a beautiful new tattoo in memory of her and in honor of TWLOHA. I, myself, am no stranger to a struggle with depression. The main thing that people don’t understand unless they’ve been there, is how it controls you. You can hear sweet things from people and never believe their words. Be at the brink of hurting yourself, say “NO!” and a stronger force convinces you into doing it anyway. Depression is pain. Depression is longing for something more than yourself. It is a battle of insane measures that few can grasp. You can’t always win. All that’s left to do after loss is hang on to your good memories and at times, re-evaluate yourself to celebrate the life of your loved one. Guilt, though many of our first instincts, isn’t always justified. There is often very little one can do. After love, comes hope. Hope in the fact that the lost friend finds peace. Hope that others will know their own worth and not succumb to their pain.
TWLOHA posts Fears vs Dreams.
My Fear: That I will fall back into my dark place and never reach my goals.
My Dream: Earning the privilege to write “Dr.” in front of my name and practice veterinary medicine. Touching the lives of others and never losing my love of helping someone in need.
For now, I wonder about the future. Either tomorrow, or in the next 5 days afterward, I should receive my official scores online for the GRE. I can then finish my application and ship that out so I can make sure all of my reference letters are in by the 1st. Then I play the waiting game. Not being accepted is a possibility, but if I’ve learned anything from rejection, it’s how to pick up the pieces and try harder. I like a challenge. School is one of my favorites. I will never stop fighting for that one.
If anything, I just want to believe that Hope is Real. That Love is strong enough when all else fails. That my DREAMS outweigh the force of my FEARS.
- TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS Invite Supporters to Help Reverse Policy on Military Suicide Condolence Letters (prweb.com)
- Help for Depression and Nonprofit, To Write Love On Her Arms, Raise $15,000 During Depression Awareness Month (prweb.com)
- To Love and Be Loved (diaryofaselfinjurer.wordpress.com)
- Aware of the hurting (myblueisblue.wordpress.com)